Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Halloween Story

Here is an autobiographical short story/recollection about a Halloween 22 years ago. Whenever I feel nostalgic for Halloweens past, this is usually the first one that comes to mind. Thanks to Andrew for helping me remember some stuff. It's a little longer than the other posts, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.



Full Moon Trio

Early October 1986, amidst the dense trees and misty hollows of Floyd Hill, barely west of Denver, Colorado. I was just back from Nashville, a trip most significant for my dad’s second wedding. However, any venture outside our quaint mountain existence and into a real city meant an opportunity to hunt and gather. So the trip to Nashville was also important because I managed to find, in a West End costume shop, some key elements for my werewolf Halloween costume. I scored a high quality prosthetic wolfman nose and a pair of pointy ears. My plan this Halloween was to transform into a terrifyingly realistic werewolf, so it wasn’t enough to draw a widow’s peak on my forehead, add some grease paint whiskers and a black nose. No, it had to be a few steps closer to Hollywood quality, because this was also the year of our legendary soundproof spook alley.

There were 6 McEuen kids, but Andrew and Jonathan were my closest cousins. They could easily have been my brothers since I spent so much time with them in my youth. In 1986, Andrew was 12 and Jonathan was 10, and I was right in the middle. Jonathan was an eager-to-please, bowl-cut sporting kid, full of jokes and smartass comments. Andrew, the quiet rebel of the bunch, fit the middle child prototype as much as I did. He sort of stayed in the background, didn’t aspire to be a performer like Jonathan, but rather a visual artist as did I. We also shared an enthusiasm for a variety of things, including creature features, Topps cards and (down the road) Minneapolis funk.

The McEuen house was just down a half-mile rocky path near the bottom of Floyd Hill. We used this path so frequently; it was like a well-worn ski trail. My siblings and I could probably dash down the hill in the middle of the night with our eyes closed. With our eyes open, it looked like zooming through the forests of Endor on our speeder bikes. Not so much, however, on the exhausting upward hike back home. The morning routine was this: hop, run and jump to the McEuens, show up and watch them finish their breakfasts and put their coats on, then casually hop, run or walk down the trail to the bus stop. From there, it was a long haul to King Murphy Elementary – dubbed the “school in the sky” due to its uniquely high altitude.

This was the first year Andrew and I didn’t attend the same school. He had moved on to secondary school to join my older brother and cousins. We were still close, at least for the time being. It was still early in the school year. During the previous year at King Murphy, Andrew and I wrote a movie/play together for several weeks’ worth of Reading and Writing credit (I’m still amazed we got away with it). While acting out a scene from our movie/play, Andrew accidentally punched me in the face. He felt pretty bad and cried, although it was a minor incident. Then in the fall of 1987, after I started attending secondary school, Andrew approached me in the hall, socked me in the nuts and laughed his ass off. Yes, things had changed between us in a matter of a couple years, but for the time being, in the fall of 1986, we were pals.

Jonathan and I still attended elementary school together. He was a year behind me, but due to the relatively small number of students at King Murphy, we shared many of the same classes. This year, Jonathan and I had plenty of time to think up the ultimate haunted house. We had tried it a few years earlier, in their unfinished concrete basement in Salt Lake City. That was a group effort that included their older brother Aaron and my older brother Jaime. The closest we ever got to completion on that spook alley was cutting out some cardboard bat wings and buying some fake plastic vampire bites. This year, it was up to me, Andrew and Jonathan to fulfill our vision of the haunted house. Jaime and Aaron had moved on to better things (band, music, girls) in high school.

The plan was to utilize the sound proof section of the McEuen basement. This was intended originally as a recording studio, due to my uncle being a musician, but was ultimately just a playroom for my cousins. A playroom with really fancy sound recording equipment and band memorabilia. So we had a big room full of insulation foam walls as our backdrop. Next, we needed to gather up our bundle of props and gags. Our resources were limited, but we knew we had plenty of dead leaves, twigs, and cardboard at our disposal. We also knew of the old cheap tricks: dry ice and water for fog, cassette tape of “spooky sounds”, bowl of spaghetti for guts, strobe-light, jumping out of a box or garbage can for an ultimate, piss-yer-pants scare. Given the limited space and list of gags, our spook alley was nearly laid out for us. We just needed to see it through this time.

Of course we needed an audience. There would be plenty of trick-r-treaters coming through Halloween night – plenty of kids from our school. They needed to know not to pass up the McEuen house this Halloween, because not only were they gonna get some candy, but they were gonna get a damn good scary experience for free. So we made up some hand-drawn flyers. We asked our friend Carrie into making copies for us with her parent’s fancy home Xerox machine. She agreed. Carrie was the closest thing to a love interest in Elementary School. She also lived on Floyd Hill. I used to leer admiringly at her house as we passed by on the long, twisted ride up the dirt road to our house. I was really hoping she would make an appearance at the soundproof spook alley, which would have been a great opportunity for me to impress her with my scare tactics. Eventually, most of our fellow students caught on and agreed to make an appearance. This just fueled our ambition to create an unforgettable experience for them.

Mid October. Orange and yellow leaves were covering the hills. For the 2 weeks leading up to Halloween, I was spending most of my afternoons at the McEuen house assembling the spook alley. Jonathan, Andrew and I rounded up enough twigs and leaves to scatter across the studio carpet. We made the dividing walls with sheets and blankets. The experience was broken into approximately 4 phases. First, the guests would walk into the spook alley from the outside, through the dense basement studio door. Then they would enter the graveyard of orange and brown carpeting and studio foam walls, but with leaves covering the floor, cardboard gravestones, spooky lighting, sound effects and fog. Through the dark control room window, they could see a ghost appearing and disappearing (using flashlight special effects). Around the corner was the big money scare - the “pop-em-out” moment. One of us hid in a trash can and jumped out right as the guest walked by. Imagine that. Following was some touch and feel guts/spaghetti, cobwebs and decorations draped over reel-to-reel tape recorders and microphone stands. Then, outside the studio exit was some candy waiting for them. That was it. Beyond that, I imagine they got a brief tour of the McEuen household on the way to the front door. Yes, it was a short, (but hopefully) scary experience.

Halloween fell on a Friday that year. I wore my werewolf costume to school, complete with fake hair spirit gummed to my face along with the nose and ears. I had some bottom-jaw fangs to add to it all. I was quite happy with the finished look. Jonathan struggled with his costume decision for days. I think he ended up dressing as a “ghoul”. At school, we made every effort to remind our friends of the spook alley. We had the sort of festive activities any elementary school would have on Halloween day. It was unusually chilly outside. Snow flurries drifted in the air throughout the day.

Jonathan and I met up with Andrew after school. By then, the flurries had turned to snow, and it was sticking. I called home to see if my mom and my siblings, Mark, Kathryn and Jaime, were planning on coming down the hill for trick-r-treating. She told me they were going to stay home because of the snow. But there was no way Halloween was going to be cancelled for my cousins and me. Too much work went into this spook alley to give it up. As it got closer to evening, we got into character and took our places. Andrew and Jonathan touched up with white cake make-up. Jonathan was the ghost in the control booth, Andrew was the all-purpose ghoul, and I was still in werewolf mode hiding in the trashcan. Aunt Kae was ready to hand out candy at the exit.

It was a blizzard outside, but a handful of unidentified younger kids managed to make it to the house. They walked through, shrieked at the right moments and within minutes collected their candy and left. Then we waited. A few others showed up, walked through, and went on their way. An hour or two had hours passed. It was becoming painfully obvious that no one else would show up. The number of total guests were in the single digits. We cursed the snow, then moped, then decided to defy Mother Nature. We weren’t going to let the damned blizzard ruin our Halloween.

Jonathan and Andrew wanted to change their outfits before we trekked into the snow for a night of trick-r-treating. They talked me into “sharing” my werewolf costume. I had some extra hair and make-up. I also parted with my pointy ears. Out of the costume rationing came three half-werewolf, half-vampire sort of monsters in moon boots. If you had combined the three of us, you would have had a complete costume. We went out into the dark, but the glow from the snow illuminated the road. Into the vacant Halloween night we journeyed – the snow swept sideways like a star field screensaver. We walked inside the deep tire tracks to avoid stepping in the snow. The keepers of the candy seemed surprised to see us, the lone trick-r-treaters. All the more treats for us. For an hour or two we were out filling up our bags and plastic pumpkins. We arrived at a dark house at the end of a twisted driveway. A single, thirty-something woman came to the door. She greeted us with a smile, then complimented us on our shared costumes. To our surprise, she gave us what seemed the Golden Ticket of candy: the FULL SIZE Hershey chocolate bar. Our determination had paid off - we could finally call it a night.

Back at the house, we shook off the snow and changed into our cozies. The candy poured out into three piles to sort and trade. It had been a long day, and we were exhausted. The hills and trees outside the windows were flocked white. We rolled up into blankets and planted ourselves on the couch. Flicking through the limited TV channels, we came upon an edited-for broadcast horror movie of some kind. Through the rabbit-ears static we could see Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasance, and a guy wearing a bleached Capt. Kirk mask. It was…Halloween…part II.

THE END

Du nuh nuh nuh, Du nuh nuh nuh Woo-eeee-oooo...

Kind of a Halloween theme this week. This one not so obvious, but it did give me the creeps when I was young, watching this show on our 12 inch black and white TV set. The cheapness and Englishness of the show just made me feel uncomfortable, and the opening theme song was just...unsettling.

But now I love the opening theme song for Doctor Who, especially around the time of Tom Baker, who played the Doctor in the 70's and 80's. By the way, if you haven't already and you like cheesy British horror stuff like Hammer, check out the original Tales from the Crypt and its sequel, Vault of Horror, featuring Tom Baker. They are great for Halloween.

Okay, a little Doctor Who for you:

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Who Is This Mysterious Masked Man?



The beginnings of the Iraqi invasion, Shock and Awe, the fall of Saddam, the U.S. victory... oh wait....

Figure Study

What's this?

I found some old notebooks filled with poems from 1996 or 1997, I'm not sure. Lots of rough ideas - some were probably rough drafts from a creative writing class. I was using lots of food imagery in those days. I found a few that I still like. Here are a couple:

LOAD
A castro sack of load to go, with sprinkles multicolored.
In the sack, on the road, carrying a newly purchased load.

Drips alive in the chilly air city.
Drink refills: 49 cents.
"No change sir, your load is dripping."

BLUE MORAINE
Moraines slipping like ice cream
into the frozen northern sound.
Pepto-pinkish cheeks of foam
gush from underneath.

The clouds make lectro stains -
A sign of techni-color mass

Pack a knife, a flashlight, a tackle box.

Walk to the outer limits of greasy rocks.
Across the muddy plane of stainless steel
The blue moraine.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Lucid Dreams

My friend Senta posted something about lucid dreams. She said you can determine that it's a dream by looking at numbers, then looking away and back again. If the numbers are different or scrambled when you look again, then you know it's a dream and can do anything you want! I thought of trying this before going to sleep last night. This morning, I thought about my dreams last night.

Did I try the lucid dreaming technique? I guess not, because the one dream I can remember involved an awkward situation that I couldn't seem to fix. For some reason, I had joined the arty New York quartet Interpol as a replacement keyboardist. I don't even know if they have a keyboard player in real life. It didn't really matter, because I was more caught up in finding the right thing to wear on stage. "Why don't we wear the old red and black, like you guys did on the first album?" The singer was just like "okay, whatever." I tried on various black slacks and red tops. I tried on a red flannel button-up shirt backwards. This seemed pretty edgy to me. The other guys didn't seem to care. In fact, they didn't seem to care much about what they were going to wear. They had moved on, and after 3 albums, their sound was the real focus (you can always tell if a music artist wants to be taken serious by the amount of facial hair they're sporting - look at that guy from The Killers). Being the new guy, I was more fixated on style.

Before long, it was time to play. We hadn't rehearsed, but we were rushed onto the stage anyway. It just occurred to me that I didn't know how to play the keyboard. Maybe I could sorta fake it, you know, throw down some chords and blips like a regular Depeche Mode member. I didn't even know how to improvise. I panicked a little. The other guys were having technical difficulties too. They started taking it out on me, and suddenly I felt like I was back in high school, working as a dishwasher at Dee's Family Restaurant. At Dee's, I was busting my butt washing dishes, taking shit from the other guys who mostly sat around showing each other how well they can flex their abs.

I don't remember the rest of the dream, other than some stage equipment breaking and me trying to hide backstage. I realized this morning that the guys in Interpol didn't ever really dress in red and black as a uniform. I must have been thinking of these guys:

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sitcom Families



Once in a while when channel surfing, I'll flip past Home Improvement, the delightful 90's sitcom staple starring Tim Allen. I always feel the need to back up and watch for a bit. In fact, just this week I fell asleep watching the show late at night. I can't make much sense of this guilty pleasure. It's a horribly written show, the characters and situations are stereotypical, it has a laugh track, etc. I don't even like sitcoms much anymore, and haven't since the heyday of the Huxtables and the Keatons when I looked forward to these shows every Thursday night.

But there's something about that Home Improvement, so obviously pleasant by design. It makes the 90's seem so much more gratifying in retrospect. Most families I know aren't like the sitcom families. But there is one household that always felt like a sitcom to me: the Schaeffer* household. Not because everything they said was funny and followed by laughter from a studio audience. It's more because their house has always been so welcoming and friendly. The Schaeffers are the family of my good friend Aaron, who has been cheerful and Christ-like since I first met him in Junior High. I heard Aaron use the f-word only once. I was shocked. I knew he meant business.

Call the Schaeffer household and you'd get an answering machine message saying "thank you for calling the Schaeffer's, the happiest place on earth". Something like that. But it was sorta true. Aaron's family was always smiling and hanging out, making cookies or whatever. They were the closest thing to a family outside of my own, but even more dreamlike. Their house had a celestial glow about it at all times, and was always immaculate.

But, as Bryan Ferry once said, with every dream home a heartache. Not really heartache so much as the devil incarnate. Beneath the roof of the Schaeffer home also lived a Siamese cat so evil, it would attack you from across the room for merely staring straight into its eyes. Aaron's sister always had cat scratches up and down her arms, so that cat didn't care much for humans in general. But you need the good with the bad, right? Kinda like in the sitcoms. You need the "very special - to be continued episode" every once in a while to balance things out and bring you back down to reality. Wasn't there an episode where one of Tim "The Toolman" Taylor's kids cheated on his homework?

I'm convinced that there's a link in my brain between the Taylors and the Schaeffers. Maybe since they occupied the same era in my life, because the archetypes of those families don't necessary match up. And the Schaeffers don't have a Wilson, that neighbor who always spoke words of wisdom to Tim from beyond the privacy fence. But they have Jesus, and Wilson's a bit like Jesus. He could easily be Jesus, or the voice of God for that matter, just heavily disguised in a funny fisherman hat.

*name changed slightly to protect the innocent.

Note: Since writing this post, I have learned that the Schaeffers have moved into a new home and the evil cat has had health problems and has been put to rest. Rest in Peace Nala. Be nice in the afterlife.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Boris Tribute

I should admit, I haven't had much on my mind lately aside from crappy news from Wall Street all week and the overall feeling of looming doom. Rather than go on about that - like we need any more talk about the "Global Recession" - I thought I would share a little song for you.

A little background. One night a few months ago, Andy and I were having a songwriting challenge just for laughs: try to write a country tune about a bein' a "simple man" in the vein of Alan Jackson or Tobi Keith. Emily and Kim intervened and suggested we try writing a song to the tune of a famous song like Weird Al, and to a specific theme. We came up with several songs based on the themes, with old MOR and classic rock tunes as their melodies.

This is one of my favorites from the tunes I wrote, inspired by Boris Vallejo paintings. I'm sure most of you have seen Boris' paintings. Boris is famous for his usually erotic fantasy illustrations found on paperback covers throughout the late 20th century. Usually a Fabio-like dude fighting off monsters with a hot lady at his side (see image). This is a smooth little adult contemporary love song, set to the melody of Christopher Cross' 'Sailing' (It's very important that you read the lyrics in your head or out loud to the melody). WARNING: naughty.



Some days I feel like flexing - my love muscles for you.
You make my life a fantasy, a role-playing game come true.
Watch the light reflect off my pectorals,
There's nothing I won't do - to impress you.

Slay-ing a dragon -
To get in-to your pants, that's what I would do
I'd place his severed head on the foot of your bed,
watching as I go down on you.

And when the monsters come down and -
try to tear you into -
My superhuman manliness - will come running
for you.
It's amazing how unproportionate, your hips and thighs look -
compared to your boobs.

Slay-ing - (chorus)

(pretty piano solo, repeat chorus - fade out)

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Polish Posters


My fascination with Polish film posters started a few years ago with a book of collected film posters from the 70's. There were a few Polish posters scattered in the mix, often shown next to the US, UK and Italian versions of the same films. I found the Polish posters ridiculous, as they usually had a trace of a connection to the film they were advertising, and they were often cartoony and crudely graphical compared to the slick, movie-star based images from the western posters.

Over the years, and after seeing many Polish posters, I have started to appreciate them more. I'm not an expert on this art form, but from what I understand, most of the American movies they represent made it to Poland a couple years after the initial release. The Polish artists either didn't have access to movie art and stills, or they took it upon themselves to create original works that only hint at the theme and tone of the film. In that sense, they are transcendent of the films they represent and almost work as independent works of surrealist art. Here are a few images of Polish posters I've found. I won't name the films, you have to figure that out yourself. Most of these are prominent American films from the 60's through 80's.